Watching for Signs

sign kep calmThis is how long Ron has been gone: 1½ years, or 18 months, or 78 weeks or 548 days.  In the early weeks after Ron died, people would occasionally ask if I could sense his presence with me. I would occasionally fudge my answer and say yes, mostly because people expected that I would and because others reported sensing messages from their loved ones who had passed.  I was never actually sure of what the question meant and would answer in different ways according to different people or circumstances.  But mostly it seemed true but not in the way people thought.  Ron seemed to be with me because the separation was not real to me.  The primal connection could not be abruptly severed. It was impossible to suddenly let him go.  I have since learned that cells from the child remain inside the brain of the mother for always. Continue reading “Watching for Signs”

One Mother’s Grief on Good Friday at the Gun Shop

When our son, Ron, died by suicide on Christmas morning of 2015, he left a careful trail of informGrieving Mother 3ation so that we would have as few unanswered questions as possible. He took as many extraordinary measures as he could think of to make the impact of our losing him somehow comprehendible.  One of the details he attended to was to provide full information about the purchase of the weapon he used to take his life, a gun. Continue reading “One Mother’s Grief on Good Friday at the Gun Shop”

Trader Joe’s, Jamaican Beer and Resurrection

VeTJry recently I was in Trader Joe’s, mindlessly wandering around there as I am wont to do.  I was in the soft drink aisle with my right hand on a four-pack of Jamaican brewed ginger beer when a woman beside me softly said, “Does that taste good?” Continue reading “Trader Joe’s, Jamaican Beer and Resurrection”

Christmas Morning, 2015 – 9:10 AM

This is not the way I wanted it

It isn’t what I deserve

It isn’t what I planned

But it is what it is

It’s the dharma.

It’s that which is

Taking one more glance at a newspaper article on my way out the door to mass, I read that Buddhist quote above and said to Tom, “What an unusual quote to read on Christmas morning.” Continue reading “Christmas Morning, 2015 – 9:10 AM”